I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
