My sheets look like a crime scene.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
