quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
