Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
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