Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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