he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
