And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
