i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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