is your mom at the bar?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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