I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
