I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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