Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
