I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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