I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
