My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
