I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
