Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
