is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
