I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
