Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
