your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
