my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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