Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
