AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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