i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just high enough for therapy.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
