smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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