When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
