I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
