im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
