is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
