even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
