she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
