I wish I could teleport
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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