If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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