When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i think im in europe. pls send help
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
