Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
