i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Randomize
