it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
