I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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