i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
