Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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