Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Randomize
