Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
