Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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