I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
