Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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