I wanna bring you to show and tell
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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