Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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