Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
