i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
