I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
