Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
