if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
